After my daughter’s death, I wanted to preserve every thought and mention of her name. I wanted nothing to taint my memory of her.
I wanted to live in this house forever because trees had been given to us and planted in our yard in her memory.
I wanted the garden that was created with the funds donated in her memory to be peaceful and effortless to create and maintain.
I wanted perfection in the book I wrote that included her and my journey of faith.
Yet, my wants didn’t materialize. One of the trees in our yard died. Debate ensued over the placement of the garden. And, the publication process left a lot to be desired and the current owner of the company is now in jail. How’s that for keeping all things related to her pure?
So what does all this mean?
I have no idea really. But I wish I did. I have analyzed, pondered, discussed, and speculated without really solving a thing. Yet, I am at peace with it all. I have peace that God has a purpose and is using each of these events in my life for something positive.
None of the issues were really consequential in the grand scheme of things. Well, maybe the book publishing stuff, but I certainly learned a heap of meaningful life lessons from my experience. That counts for something. So maybe the other issues were about me needing to loosen my grip on my expectations. The reality is that none of the concerns I had impacted how I think or feel about Ashlynn. Those peripheral happening were irrelevant when it comes to my love for her.
While I’m sure I’ll continue to try to make sense of it in some fashion, I know that God will use it for good in my life regardless of my understanding or lack thereof. I trust Him with my circumstances. I trust Him with my heart. And I’m thankful that He can make beauty from ashes.
May you find peace in your circumstances today as you trust in Him!
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27