As I sat by the pool listening to the sound of splashing and kids’ laughter, I could hear jazz music from a nearby restaurant drifting my way.  The two sounds were competing for my attention.  My thoughts danced with the various sounds, swaying from one to the other. 

We’d had a full day at the Magic Kingdom and now my mind slowed to reflect on my day and current surroundings.  I noticed more incongruence as I watched my kids swim in the moonlight in the middle of February. 

Suddenly, tears formed.  I was keenly aware of the joy and sorrow that tugged at my heart.  Joy at the excitement of my kids; sorrow because my daughter Ashlynn was not part of it. Separated by death, but still in my heart, reminders of her can trigger an array of emotional responses.

The emotion began to churn earlier in the day.

In a place that transports us beyond our reality, the magic of Disney World stops for a moment and seems to skip a beat.  I look at my kids and sigh.  Sheer joy exudes from their little bodies and I celebrate with them.

Yet, one is missing. And her absence shouts to me, drowning the magical aura of parades, dancers, laughter, characters and continuous background music that is cheerful and chipper.

I stand in the middle of Main Street USA amidst a flurry of activity, yet in that moment life stops for me.  And in the silence and stillness, my heart embraces joy and sorrow.  Somehow they co-exist, co-mingle like thread woven together.

Joy at all that God has given me.  Joy at God’s love and graciousness.  Joy because of Christ’s sacrifice for me.  Yet, sorrow for the pain and loss and sorrow at loving one that I cannot reach out and hold.

I try to define the moment, grasp it and wrestle it to the ground of understanding.  Yet, I’m unsuccessful.  I can’t contain it with words. 

But, I know this:  it’s a holy place. It’s place where I affirm my trust in Him. It’s a place where I allow Him access to my heart. In those moments, He stills my restlessness and I breathe Him in.  I experience His peace, comfort and strength and am reminded of the vastness of His love.  He is with us everywhere (yes, even at Disney World) and deserving of our praise and worship.

I pray that you embrace those moments of joy and sorrow in your own life, allowing them to dance in your spirit while you experience the warmth of God’s tender care.

Forty minutes into our 12 hour drive my four year old asked the dreaded question. “When are we going to get there?”

I chuckle and decide I’ll keep count of how many times I hear the question before the day is through… Just for kicks. After all, it’s too early in the trip to get aggravated.

I wonder if God smiles and keeps count of my same question… When??? When will things get easier? When will I see progress? When will I experience blessings for obedience?

Then, I think back to Abraham and Sarah who waited 25 years for their promised son. Or Noah who built and built and built for nearly 100 years because of the threat of a coming storm. And David who was selected as king but returned to shepherd work until the time was right.

God has his own timetable and we often struggle to understand. But he sees the big picture, just as I know the path ahead of us on our trip while my kids wonder. We need to trust him, his promises, and his timing.

While waiting can be difficult, our attitude and actions can affect our mood. Waiting doesn’t have to be passive. My kids are currently listening to audio books, playing games, and wiggling in their seats while listening to music. They also have toys, movies, snacks and occasionally a turn with my iPad.

When we’re waiting on God’s timing, we can praise Him, serve Him, love Him, spend time with Him and trust Him. He has a plan for each of us – a good plan – and He will give us His best.

As the fire engine pulled up in front of my house, I could see faces peering out at me and a flurry of activity that appeared to be men putting on jackets.

Do I saunter across the yard so they know not be alarmed, or do I run to spare them the effort of exiting the truck and making a greater scene?

Just minutes earlier, I had been on the phone with our home security company.  There had been a problem with one of the fire alarm units in our house.  For weeks, they’d call us at all hours (usually while we were peacefully sleeping) to tell us the battery was low.  We’d dutifully change the battery and within a week receive the call again. 

With this morning’s call, I requested that they send a technician.  Clearly there was a problem with the unit. They transferred me to technical services. As I talked to the technician, he wanted to try one other option before sending someone on site.  During our lengthy conversation, I pushed what seemed like a million buttons on the unit, and as instructed, the “test” button – which apparently is a magical little button. 

This one tiny button set in motion a series of events.

Because the technician forgot one little step in the testing process – to temporarily deactivate our system, pushing that button triggered a signal to the security company.  They called me to check on me, but because I was already on the phone with their technical department (and was not aware that the signal had been sent), I did not answer. It would have been rude to put the technician on hold, right?

They then called the fire department – while I’m still on the phone with their technical department.

Then, they call my next-door-neighbor who is first on my call list.  She was at the grocery store.

They then alerted my parents, who are next on my call list because the live nearby.

By this time, I’ve been disconnected from the security company and my mom calls to tell me that the fire department is on the way.  What?!

And, indeed the fire engine arrived as I hung up the phone with my mother. My dad pulled up behind the fire truck.  Neighbors emerged from their homes.

Embarrassed, head down, still dressed in work out clothing, not yet showered, I walked across the front yard to meet the firemen and explain that everything was OK… a miscommunication of sorts. I apologized profusely and thanked them for their time as they climbed back in the truck.

Fortunately, we learned that the alarm system actually works.  But what a commotion because of some missteps and miscommunication!

Reflecting on the incident reminded me of how often in life things take an unexpected turn and land us in an awkward situation.  But, the circumstances aren’t the most important part, our reaction is.  We often can’t control our circumstance, but we can control our thoughts and our actions.  The question is: do we?  Do we exercise patience when things don’t go our way?  Are we gracious and forgiving to those who wound us or do we strike back? Do we look at the worst in a situation or try to find the silver lining? 

Luckily, the firemen weren’t too upset about the incident, or at least they didn’t verbalize it. And, I was able to get a good laugh when all the excitement settled.  My daughter has enjoyed telling the story several times, so the absurdity of the events continues to amuse.

But, life’s mishaps are not always funny.

And so, our thought lives play a significant role in the level of joy and peace we experience.  I pray that you take a step back and evaluate your thoughts and attitudes in the midst of trying times.  And, may you be blessed by a willingness to see things through the lens of God’s glasses.

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Philippians 4:8

I’ve yet to figure it out, but I love how God works… how He wows me in the most unexpected ways.

I’m currently part of small team of ladies working on a project.  A project that’s difficult to explain, nearly impossible to understand and one we’ve yet to grasp. But, we’re all called to it by God’s leading.

None of us volunteered. None of us knew each other well, if at all.  However, we’re bound by a common goal.

We’re different in our personalities, past experiences, professions, current stages of life, and individual traits. But together, we’re a team. We’ve experienced frustration, anger, hope, sadness, desire, optimism, pessimism, and more frustration, with little evidence of accomplishing our goal.  Emotions run high, then low. At times I’ve wanted out, even though it appears that we’re only in the early stages of what will likely be a marathon, not a sprint.

Then, at just the right time, God weaves a myriad of threads together and I experience the iconic light bulb flash.  A freeing moment of realization.  We’re not failing even though we can’t see evidence of progress.  We’re serving God and loving Him with our dedication and obedience. We’re not responsible for the outcome.  He is.  I’ve been carrying a burden that’s not mine. 

I feel lighter. Peaceful.

And now that I’m peaceful, I see things with greater clarity.  I’m able to offer kindness and encouragement in a new way, instead of needing it myself.  I’m able to see the roles that each of us on the team serves. Instead of being so envious of what the others offer, I can accept my role… perhaps even see its value.  I am blessed to be serving side by side with these amazing ladies and I’m learning from them.

With new eyes, the journey becomes one of expectation and anticipation, not one of dread.  I don’t imagine that it will become easier instantaneously, but I have a new appreciation and insight that allow me to see opportunity.  And that I can embrace, because God’s opportunities and encounters are always worth the ride.

Perhaps you’re struggling with a difficult situation today.  I pray that you seek God’s direction and perspective as you release it to Him.  He may just turn it into something beautiful and unexpected.

My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the LORD. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts. “The rain and snow come down from the heavens and stay on the ground to water the earth. They cause the grain to grow, producing seed for the farmer and bread for the hungry. It is the same with my word. I send it out, and it always produces fruit. It will accomplish all I want it to, and it will prosper everywhere I send it. Isaiah 55:8-11 NLT

Yes, you read that correctly. Supper, not Super… implying the great competition of eating. A friend made typo on her Facebook post about the Super Bowl and I couldn’t help but think of a comment my husband often makes – that he views eating as hobby and sport. We love God’s sense of humor in bringing the two of us together (most of the time). Dietitian meets … well there aren’t really words, but Scott loves to refer to himself as my failed science project and seems to take great pride in it.

Anyway, hobby and sport summarizes much of the eating that will occur today. Super Bowl food like wings, chips, dips, cheesy stuff, greasy stuff, and much more. So today, as athletes compete, we eat. As they burn thousands of calories, we’ll consume them.

The whole feeding frenzy associated with sporting events baffles me. Maybe because I’m a girl. Don’t get me wrong, I love some tailgate food. But it’s the celebration of stuffing ourselves beyond comfort that I don’t understand. It’s the trophy of unbuttoned pants (or at least the second place ribbon of a loosened belt) that I struggle to comprehend.

But, it seems to be tradition, and who am I to argue? Go enjoy your food and fun with friends. But perhaps it’s ok this year to skip the prize winning and exercise some moderation and self control. Just a thought…

I love situational irony.  Something about the incongruence and unexpected makes me laugh.  Some recent (and not so recent) examples in my life:

• Kids in Sunday school were blurting out verses about self control, uncontrollably.

• A friend suggested that I go to new ice cream shop to work on writing my book proposal. (It’s a weight loss book.)

• Going to a steakhouse for dinner and they were out of steak.

• Going through career counseling in college and marking off any profession that required public speaking… then ending up as a writer and speaker.

Perhaps I enjoy irony because it demonstrates another dimension of God.  He’s often unpredictable and surprising (although always within His character).  That in itself is ironic. 

I hope that you’ll look for the unexpected and ironic today and savor it, have fun with it.  Because after all, laughter is good medicine.

 A cheerful heart is good medicine. Proverbs 17:22

How many of us like to think that we created the problems we’re having?  I don’t.  But, if I’m truly honest with myself, I’d have to admit that I’m currently living with the consequences of some bad choices.  Yep, I created the very thing that’s causing me stress right now.  And yes, I call on God to rescue me from it.  But, I think He may just let me sit in my mess for a while.  Because it’s there that I’ll determine that I don’t want to be here again.  Maybe I’ll change my thinking and actions as a result.  I hope so anyway.

See, I’m a procrastinator.  I have been all my life.  I’m not sure why.  Is it laziness?  Is it fear?  Is it my easily distractible personality?  I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what causes it – thus procrastinating from doing anything real about it.  The bottom line: I need to change my behavior and stop procrastinating.  I need to stop putting off what I don’t what to do and just do it.  Otherwise, it clutters my mind, clutters my to-do list, clutters my desktop, and clutters my life without ever getting accomplished.  Something that would take 30 minutes consumes more of my time in the long run than if I had just done it on day one.  Ugh! 

So, here I sit, overwhelmed with things that I don’t want to do, while my family is off to the gym to have some fun (well, sort of). Consequences. I really want to go see a new movie that was released, but I don’t have time. Consequences.  I want to plan a lunch date with a friend, but can’t commit the time for the next six weeks. Consequences. 

I choose right now to stop procrastinating, and so I must close this post (because in writing it I was actually procrastinating from a different piece that I need to complete). May you too, find the courage to change what’s needed and be blessed by your choices and actions.

“We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.” Albert Einstein

I love God’s timing.  After posting Part 1 of Which Words?, our pastor preached on the importance of choosing our words.  And, as I subbed for my daughter’s Sunday school class that same morning, I heard another review about the power of words.  I’m surrounded by messages about words. God clearly wants me to get this. And so, I will use my best words to challenge and encourage us to examine this area of our lives.

As I shared in my last post, I’ve been hurt by words in big and small ways. Most times, the hurt was unintentional , yet damage was still done.  So, I started thinking about my own words.  Do I wound others with my words?  Or, do I encourage and uplift?

Have you thought about your words lately? If not, I encourage you to take note of what rolls off the tongue, especially during trying times.

For now, let’s look at what God says about our words.

Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs.  (Ephesians 5:19)  When was the last time you did this? It may sound strange, but are our words music to the ears of those around us?

Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. (Proverbs 12:18) Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones. (Proverbs 16:24) Are we offering healing and love to our families with our words or tearing them down to gratify our own moods and desires?

A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered. (Proverbs 17:27) Are we exercising restraint and grace in challenging situations, or do we give a tongue lashing to those around us?

God knows that controlling our tongues is difficult for us.  Yet, it is possible with the help of the Holy Spirit. I pray that we’ll consider our words in light of God’s word and invite Him to do any necessary extractions from our mouths.

Words have hurt me many times over the years – careless words that have stuck with me.  No matter how hard I’ve tried to extract them from my mind, they seem to escape from the dark, dusty corners during times of doubt.

As a young child, I was picked on for my red hair, abundance of freckles and fair skin… oh, and the unfortunate last name of Payne.  Kids would have a field day with jokes at my expense.  Carrot top, freckle face, pain in neck…  They weren’t terribly creative or vicious in tone, but it hurt nonetheless.

Later, the childish name calling stopped, but there were bigger hurts.   At age 13, when I made the decision to stop playing soccer on a travel team, a coach asked if I planned to settle for being mediocre the rest of my life.  Ouch!  Am I a quitter?  Am I mediocre?  This one haunts me to this day – some 25+ years later.  Again, words are powerful.

Fast forward to recent times when a respected leader and colleague disagreed with a decision I’d made.  He arrived at my house and told me that there’s no way I could have been prompted by the Holy Spirit in the decision and that God will likely punish me and my ministry. Powerful, yet reckless, words.

When doubt creeps in and the words of my past emerge, I have to fight them with truth.  God’s truth – which is life giving and freeing – is that I am His beloved child.  Not defective and ugly for the way He created me.  Not mediocre because someone else thinks I am.  And not wrong and misguided because someone else disagrees. 

I pray that you, too, know the truth of God’s love for you.  No matter what others have said to you or about you, God loves you immeasurably. His Word tells us so. Let God’s healing power and grace envelop you.  Believe His Word and know that His opinion trumps all!   

How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! 1 John 3:1

And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Ephesians 3:17-19

Do you ever find yourself wishing that life were easier?  I do.  Quite often, actually.  I even shared my dismay and unrest with my husband a few months ago.  Unfortunately, I crossed the line into the land of complaining.  Of course, my husband in an empathic, nurturing way (ahem) blurted out, “Do you think life’s supposed to be one big vacation?” 

Pop! 

Bubble burst… the “poor me” air contained within the flimsy walls of that beautiful bubble quickly dissipated.  Simultaneously, I laughed. But I wanted to cry. I knew he was right – life’s not about my comfort and my desires. 

The truth is, I want life to be easy.  But it’s not.  It’s busy.  Very, very busy – raising children;  homeschooling; writing;  speaking; working at marriage; keeping up with friends; volunteering; cleaning the house; making time for God; playing cook, chauffeur, personal assistant, and social coordinator.  I’m exhausted as I write. 

So many responsibilities…big ones; some noble ones even.  And all I really want is for someone to take care of me.  I want rest.

In steps my knight in shining armor.  The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

But I resist.  I have laundry to do and thank you notes to write, planning for tomorrow, emails to send, a Bible study to finish, a chapter to write, and the kids aren’t in bed yet.

He beckons again: He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters…

But… More excuses fill my thoughts.  Well, maybe if I multitask, even delegate, I can get everything done and then rest.

He restores my soul.

Really?  Is it possible, even for me? Even in the midst of the craziness of life?

He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. 

Oh how I wish I would stick to priorities. Then I wouldn’t feel so overwhelmed.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; 

But, I can’t see You… I can’t even feel Your presence at this moment.

Your rod and your staff, they comfort me.  You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. 

Please rescue me from the pressures of life. Let me find peace and joy.

You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. 

Help me to see what you see. May these words become my life. In the midst of busyness; in spite of seemingly endless tasks. Let me experience your peace and rest in this very moment.  Let me carry it with me, never forgetting your presence and promises.

Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. 

I stop fighting His invitation. I breathe it into my being – hope, love, and His strength. Thank you Father. Amen!